Saturday, February 11, 2006
11 HUSBANDS AND STILL A VIRGINA young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom."How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to
me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God, I
miss him!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
screwed."
Friday, January 06, 2006
Amen.There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Monday, December 19, 2005
I Will Survive...*At first I was afraid, I was Petrified
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long
That I grew strong And knew that I could take you on
But there you are...another lie,
I was geared up for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry
I should have known it was bullshit, just a sad, pathetic dream
Should have known no anaconda would be lurking in those jeans...
Go on now go... walk out the door
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4
Weren't you a prat to think that I wouldn't catch you out
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count!
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive
Cos as long as I have batteries my s.e.x life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good s.e.x with a handful of latex I will survive,
I will survive....hey hey
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud
But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed
Go on now go... you'd better flee
Last time I saw a prick that small was on my brother... he was 3
I should have asked for confirmation, should have asked for referees
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me
Go on now go... just hit the track
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours
Is to stick it with a tooth-pick, dip it in tomato sauce
(Chorus)
Go on now go... get out of my sight
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know it's length is right
And if I ever see your tiny truncheon standing at my door
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor
Go on now go....
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Good-Better-BestGOOD
Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit
further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS"and a bucket full of money.
And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.The
police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers
Ball. "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There
was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his
patrol car and left.
Welfare
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know I just HATE coming in
here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Monday, December 05, 2005
Life is all about asses
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one ...
That's right, you've been " elfed " !
Pass this on to as many people as possible, but you can't send it back to
the person who sent it to you.
He who elfs last, elfs the loudest !!!!
Friday, November 18, 2005
A Jamaican FiremanA Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his
wife,"Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
"From now on, when I say. . .
'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say,
'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say,
'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted;
"Bell One" and the wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three" and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four."
"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
9 Things I Hate About Everyone1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
