Friday, November 18, 2005
A Jamaican FiremanA Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his
wife,"Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
"From now on, when I say. . .
'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say,
'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say,
'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted;
"Bell One" and the wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three" and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four."
"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
9 Things I Hate About Everyone1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Subject: Truth..A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up
behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, . . ."Listen! I screw anybody, any
time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on
the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes on, dirty as
shit, clean and sweet, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever
since I got out of college..... I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too!
What firm are you with?"
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?Here are some testimonials of a few people who did.....
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. This, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release so
me pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-
old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on at him
constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a
while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking,
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he
replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down. An older couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she
speaks. Here's what happens when you predict snow but don't get any. A true
story!! We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the
set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
